Now you see it, now you don't! =)

OK, happy-blog time, at least. Moving most of the more personal stuff elsewhere. I can't promise that I won't relapse, but for now I shall post more happifying stuff here, or at least non-emo ramblings.

Just less than two days to paradise, and a day to getting some answers.

Keeping fingers crossed. I promise better reading material here than this mindless drivel, soon!


Doop dee dee deet dee doo doo deet

Among the songs I listen to currently that make me smile:

Not listening to Damien Rice and his ilk post-breakup, because I've no desire for that brand of masochism I've indulged in too much already, in the past. Why be the only one crying here?

Come back soon, babe, and I'll sing this to you, if we don't get too smashed =)

Our nice clothes and a night out on the town
Walking through the busy streets of downtown
You think you’ve known me forever
I’ll drive through hours of traffic so we can be together

Bright lights and the people make us feel real
Moments lost in context ideals
Stranger, Stranger, Stranger can we stay out just a little later
Stranger, Stranger, Stranger, Stranger

We’re just little kids on the city streets
To have some fun oh the things we will see


Sofa Surfing

So Mr. Chan asks, over dinner-time:

"Why is it that you've not slept in your bed for these few weeks? The sofa's become your bed, the living room your bedroom, it seems."

I smile at him, and tell him, my room's too much of a mess for even I to wish to venture into.

But the questions don't end there. He presses on, querying:
"So why do you seem to sleep with the telly on all the time lately?"

I shrug and tell him I keep nodding off mid-late-night movie.

The fact is, my bed still smells of you. I could change the sheets or waste some of my perfume on masking your scent, but I feel like I couldn't be arsed to deal with such finality.

The telly's on just to drown out my thoughts, late at night. There's a certain comfort in falling asleep to the familiar dialogue of CSI reruns.

And lately, I've been sleeping better than I have in weeks, so I really couldn't complaint. And I don't even have to wake up early to let the dog out for her breakfast, so it sort of works out rather neatly.

Ah well.

Stasis Pod

Xanax holiday today.

View the pill as a tranquilizer dart to prevent self from further destructive behaviour.

There's death, and then there's small pieces of death in the form of deep, dreamless slumber.

Until I'm ready to live again, I'm putting my life on hold.

Nobody can say I didn't take precautionary measures.

A lot of things hurt now, and it's not just my body.


Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill

If you asked anyone who knows me well enough, first thing they'd tell you is that I'm a klutz. And not just the occasionally clumsy sort, but the bumbling type that always, ALWAYS ends up in some sort of self-inflicted freak accident.

However, yesterday has got to be some sort of new record for me, what with two rather stupid incidences happening within hours of each other.

In the late afternoon, I was showering before heading out, and doing the usual womanly stuff in the shower (shampoo, soap, shave, etc.) when I realised that my razor was missing from the rack holding all my bathroom essentials. Spotted it lying on the floor in the corner underneath the rack, and bent over to pick it up.

On straightening up, I hit my head - hard - on the rack, and managed to dislodge the whole rack off its fixture. The whole thing practically fell on my head, along with bottles of shampoo, cleansers, soaps, razors and creams scattering everywhere while I screamed and tried to duck.

Gained a bump on the head, a graze on the thumb from attempting to catch the falling items, and a sore toe from having a whole bottle of shampoo landing on it.

Was at Hontas Room last night till fairly late, and was leaving for supper (missed dinner and was starving) when I managed to miss a step on the wooden stairs (I've pretty bad astigmatism and can barely see shit in the dark) and managed to tumble down the whole flight of stairs right down to the entrance. Yes, I'm amazing at getting into embarrassing situations like that.

I seem to have scared everyone with the first response I could get out upon landing.

"Whoa. That was EXACTLY like watching footage taken by a video camera tossed down the stairs!"

Everyone was so terrified that I was just babbling nonsense as a result of concussion, they all but called the ambulance.

And then, "Does this mean I can't go for supper anymore? I'm still hungry..."

Felt fairly alright, albeit a bit shaken, and managed to have my supper... until later on when I was driving back. Got a bit dizzy and had a spot of blurry vision, and my wrist swelled up and started throbbing with agony.

Anyway I'll save the rest of the drama for another day, but yeah, I learnt who my true friends are and which in my social circle are just people claiming so without a modicum of sincerity. Had everything checked out at the hospital's emergency ward by an unprofessionally blase doctor, who all but told me I was fine, bar the bruises and scratches and extremely low blood pressure, which meant I had to go back again today.

A long painful wait for the radiologist later, and here's the result:

A stupidly huge bandage to support a sprained wrist. The doctor suspected fractures in the wrist and maybe a cracked tail-bone, but post X-ray, she came to the conclusion my tail-bone was fine. As for the wrist, apparently my bones are a bit too small to see clearly, so she's sent them for analysis and a formal report. However, she didn't spot any major fractures so she's taking it as either hair-line fractures or just a sprained wrist. Quite funny at how she had to squint at the X-ray images of my hand.

As to why that ridiculously large amount of bandage was used - well, the nurse actually finished wrapping my hand midway through the roll, but figured it was a shame to trim it, so she just decided to finish up the entire roll adding on more layers of support to my hand.

A bit -______-" I know hahahaha.

Here's the only wound I got that actually bled:

Yeah, a scraped right shin, to which I wailed "OH NOOOOOOOO... my leg is ruined!", much to the annoyance of many who were present. Someone hollered back in exasperated panic that "OMG IRENE THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE VAIN!" Hehe.

Other injuries sustained include a few more bumps on the head, a badly bruised shoulder, bruised feet, deep-flesh contusions on the lower back, a couple of sprained fingers, a very stiff neck (feels like whip-lash) and an assortment of bruises on my entire body, including a purplish one on my back.

One happy thing came from this though - I've never been given so many painkillers in my entire life. Apparently I looked like I was in enough pain to warrant plenty of good pain pills haha.

Alright, shall end this post to lie down. In so much pain today even chatting on the computer fucking hurts.


Oral Act

Re-pierced my tongue an hour ago for the fifth (sixth?) time. Went pretty well, aside from the initial discomfort it was all quite pain-free, but my speech is now a bit garbled because of the swelling.

Anyway, on the way home with Miss Dot in tow, decided to grab a soft-serve cone from McD to soothe my tongue a bit (and reduce fat-tongue syndrome).

Very salah conversations ensued.

Was making a really funny sound eating my ice-cream which caused the Dotster to look over at me. Unthinkingly, I managed to spout this gem of a line in explanation:

"I can't lick it so I'm sucking it."

Later on, made more rather odd sounds whilst trying to reach the bottom of the cone for the last bit of ice-cream without taxing my tongue too much (I hate eating the McD ice-cream cones), and then handed what was left of the cone to Miss Dot, who stared at the funny grooves left in what was left of the ice-cream:

"Yes, I'm using a combination of biting and sucking."

Funny diction aside, I swear I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut for now, to save myself from further embarrassment from suggestive verbal diarrhoea LOL.


Being shown out of the house in a hurry before the gate's slammed shut without even as much as a good night or good-bye.

Seems like I've made myself non persona grata here, no?

I can't but help feeling a bit miffed. Did I deserve any less than the courtesy afforded to even the most casual of friendships? What am I, some mangy stray that wandered into your yard?

OK, don't fucking answer that question. I don't want to know anymore. Bullshit, all bullshit. Everything's built on a fucking fallacy.

Ah well, fuck all the feelings. What's that but a bunch of inconvenient hormones firing off in the brain?


Dancing Queen(?)

OK this is not me, and not what I plan to do, but the image cracked me up some. Hope it does the same for you. Nice tits, by the way. Taken from http://www.letthembreathe.com HAHAHA.

This is random as hell, but I suddenly have the strange urge to run around the house in my underwear, dancing to something by ABBA - any music by ABBA, if just to diffuse the tense, snappy atmosphere at home.

Don't see Mr. Chan being too appreciative of that lame attempt at comedy though.



The saddest part about breakups is the pervasive radio silence that remains. I find it difficult, not being able to pick up the phone and dial those familiar numbers, and hear that familiar teasing voice I on the other end of the line, and be able to rant/rave about how awesome/shitty my day has been.

I can't pop by his place after work, exhausted and worn down but happy to snuggle up in the warm haven that is his embrace. Can't call him out for drinks, because things are just too fucking emotional at this point of time. Can't do jack-shit, because the both of us are gingerly trying to figure out a place between sappy familiarity and just being casual acquaintances. God, I wish there were some manual on how to do this right.

But there isn't. So I'll rant here instead, I guess.

The weather in Kuching has been utter shite. It just took me way over forty minutes to get home from town, a journey that takes less than a third of that duration normally. Had the bloody misfortune to be caught in rush-hour traffic in the middle of pouring rain that rendered visibility almost zero. Started wishing that Pixel came with a grenade launcher built in, to blast a few goddamn idiots out of the fucking way.

I would have snapped a picture of the dull grey procession of metal monsters on four wheels in front of me for most of my return trip, but I was too busy mulling on the emotional chords struck by Clint Mansell's Lux Aeterna, how the violins and the pianos evoked different feelings yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, I was playing that on a loop the entire journey back - so sue me, I favour my depressing music.

I really want to just curl up in bed and not think very much at all, but apparently I've a million and one meetings to attend, and things to do. However, that said, this weather would be great for sleeping in, seriously.

If anyone asked me how I feel (which I have been asked already, many times over) at this current moment, I wouldn't be able to give an accurate answer. I'm alternately relieved, and weary, and lonely, and elated, and empty, and confused, and vulnerable... take your pick from a plethora of conflicting, contradicting emotions heh.

And no, it's not funny. I don't find anything very comical at all. It's very, very sad, but then again, I couldn't tell you how else would I be able to handle this any better than I already have.

So don't tell me what I could have done differently.


Strangely Silent Sunday

Apparently I have just managed to sleep way over twenty-four hours in the past two days combined. I'm attributing it to being in a two-day drug haze, from minuscule amounts of Xanax constantly consumed over Saturday morning (to counter the comedown from the illicit pleasure indulged in on Friday night's party) and Sunday morning (to alleviate a general sense of blah-ness).

Yes, as you can tell, I've about zero tolerance to benzos these days. Not a bad thing at all, but the amount of sleep I've managed to clock is just a bit appalling. Feels like a couple of days just passed without me being even all that aware of it.

I feel like hanging out with friends, but part of me just feels lethargic at the thought of having to address all the shocked/disbelieving/concerned queries in regard to my newly-single status. Maybe it's because I've never been able to end a relationship without much drama before, maybe because outwardly, we were both so happy all the time...

I won't be playing the blame game for this one, I figure, maybe I was as much at fault as he is for the deterioration of what could have been a very happy pairing. His flaws aside, I can't deny that I'm impetuous, I'm impatient, and I still carry with me a whole host of rage issues. Daddy issues. Men issues.

For all it's worth, I'm very very glad he was around when I met him... I might still be a little fucked up, but I guess he's helped me out of the shit-hole I was in previously, and helped me stand up on my own. I'm a stronger person for all that, although on some days I wonder if to any of his benefit at all, considering self-empowerment is what brought me to this decision in the first place.

So yeah, I'm fine, if feeling a little wistful and sad for the whole fiasco. I'm fine, or at least as fine as I can be considering the circumstances, and I'm hoping all the best for him, and that he'd do well in all future endeavours. This is gonna sound as cliched as hell, but thank you for loving me, hun.

Now I'm just looking forward to my trip to Kota Kinabalu on the 1-7 February. Can't wait to get a nice healthy tan, and maybe manage to squeeze in a few dives at Sipadan whilst at it.


Feelin' More Than Fine

I've been a busy, busy bee lately, even though I'm supposed to be on a self-declared holiday, just because I just couldn't deal with unemployment. How ironic.

So I figured I'd quit my job in January, and maybe take a little time off for myself and unwind, after dealing with nerve-wracking pre-event situations every few days or so for over three months.

Five days into unemployment, and doing fuck all but laze around and sleep, I felt like I was on the verge of losing my mind. Didn't help that I was having relationship problems, and all the free time I had felt more like a bane than a blessing.

I was pretty much ignoring all the offers I'd been getting up to that point, when I got this Facebook message from Tom, asking if I'd be interested in working with him to do an event with a DJ friend of his from Ibiza. Not really knowing what to expect, I went for the meeting, and to even my own surprise, accepted the project.

This is what we've been working on the past few weeks - FEEL MORE THAN FINE party for tonight, featuring DJ NIKOS AKRIVOS.

Event starts from 10pm till 2am, and tickets are priced at RM30 with one complimentary drink. You may call me for enquiries regarding this event (012-8913388). There will be an after-party with a more intimate session with Nikos, in the VIP area. Look for me during the party if you're interested in that - I'll give out wrist-bands to grant entry for that. There is no dress-code, but dressing up nicely would help in gaining access for the after-party =)

I'm not saying this because I'm biased towards my own event, but Nikos plays awesome electro-tech-minimal housey beats, and really blew a rather sceptical me away at that first sound-check we had upon his arrival in Kuching. Even the non-party-animal-type sister, the skinny, was amazed at the music he mixed up. Nikos dances too! Although the moving-moobs move he likes to pull can be a little bit disturbing...

How I met Tom still amuses the shit outta me, heh. On a recent flight from Singapore to Kuching, I spotted this big European guy that looked rather lost and confused, but I was running a fever and feeling like shit so didn't bother much to see what he was going around to ask about.

Boarded plane, and was preparing to sleep the whole journey, when the same big guy came over and sat down next to me. He looked like he wanted to talk, and all I wanted to do was sleep, so I just closed my eyes and ignored him. I'm anti-social that way, heh.

The next time we met was at my AIDS event, and after exchanging some jokes about my comatose state throughout the entire flight, I gave him my number a bit drunkenly. He told me he might be bringing a friend of his down from Ibiza to spin, but I didn't think much would come of that, but things have a way of turning out contrary to expectations, haha.

Anyway, I can't wait for tonight, really, especially after hearing Nikos's short performance on Wednesday. I've not been this excited for a party for yonks! I'm planning to have a lot of fun tonight =)

Do come and join me - the more the merrier! Just give me a buzz if you're coming.


Nah, Pictures, Robin!

Gonna just randomly post a buncha pictures for this post because market survey says too many wordy posts make for friends falling asleep while trying to stay updated on my life.

Image credited to .gothikt. This was taken in one of the courtyard rooms of Basaga.

Do ignore the post-meal-and-period bloat compounded by the pose and the thick material of the top.

Next up, the only NYE picture that doesn't show me looking too plastered:

Chinky moi on the left looking more chinky than usual because bit wasted already. My (ex)-employer and the missus is somewhere in there. Tall Canadian dude on the right nearly killed me for being the most annoying drunk ever. Yes, I'm just cute that way.

I probably should have uploaded pictures from Halloween's CSI party, but always procrastinated. Will post a few here then.

My fav picture of the night. Suspiciously amused CSI meets... possible homicide.

Image credits of Sandra. Blurry picture quality thanks to Will.

And this is probably gonna be the last picture 'cause am getting lazy to upload stuff here. Spot any familiar faces?

Can't remember who took this. Posted by BossLady. Taken at after-party@ Links.

Here's a completely unrelated bonus image:

This will be my next impulse purchase. OK, going back to browsing lingerie. Then maybe do some work. Or maybe draft out that email I've meant to send since two days ago but haven't had the heart to really sit down and write. Or maybe I should go to sleep.

Either way, this post ends here.

Now say thank you, Robin.


Contradicting Myself

No updates, life's been overwhelmingly full of things to do lately. But just a little post here now, for those of you who have been following. Sorry for the lack of replies to comments, I've been too tired to do so, and too busy to keep up with blog maintenance lately.

New Year's Eve came and went. Spent the first day of January 2010 nursing a major hangover. Felt like I was pissing nothing but alcohol for that duration LOL. Didn't make any resolutions. Didn't think I should repeat the previous few years' trend of making resolutions I'd eventually not be able to keep to.

I've been happy, and bursting with excitement for year 2010. It's gonna be a great year, it seems. I hope it'll be.

On a related note, am now (sort-of) unemployed. January marks my departure from BarZ!ng. I haven't decided what direction I'm heading now, but all options seem pretty fine to me. Maybe I'll just take a long break for a bit from everything, and enjoy being a bum for now.

Certain events in my life has made me want to sit down and reevaluate my priorities. There are things I thought actually mattered to me, but now realise I really care fuck all for. And there are things I thought I really wanted, but now figure I really couldn't give a shit one way or another.

Maybe I'm still just really that conflicted hedonist after all. Maybe some things never change.

So it's not all good, so far, but I'm still excited to see what this year brings me =)

(Robin, I'll try to post more pictures up after this! <3)