Survivor's Guilt

Everyone's using the word "death" so lightly. I know I often use it way too much in metaphors.

But you know what, death is the horror that haunts me every night before I sleep, when my guard is down.

Death was in your glassy eyes, death was the blood running out from your neck. Death is my patting the bed-covers in the early morning, searching for you, and not finding you. Death is your body's decomposition. Soon you will be nothing more than a pile of bones, beneath a pile of stones.

Everybody keeps talking about death. But I know better. It's not over until that last flicker is gone. It's not over if you can still hear it, see it, feel it.

So it's two unrelated things, but today I'm angry, because people are saying, yesterday was the death of democracy.

They don't fucking know how final death really is.

The Telly Speaks Only of Political Propaganda

"Siapa kata kita tidak mengamalkan demokrasi di Malaysia..."

Watching Najib on the news, and wanting so badly to cry. Election results just came out. After a rather dodgy vote recount. And countless other blatantly dirty tactics to ensure that the ruling party stays in power.

This wave of emotion is strange, because I've always been rather apolitical. Don't care, don't want to know, don't need more to stress over. Yes, I'm selfish, that way, because I'm often depressed and wrapped up in my own self-absorbed unhappiness.

I think I'm, in a way, the epitome of many a Malaysian - indifferent, on the most part, about these things. I would remain mostly that way, if not for all the dirty tactics, and the desperation in that party's actions, escalating in recent months, weeks, days. It's really hard to ignore all these, as much as you want to, and the sense that something is really wrong with things finally gets to you and it gets impossible to do nothing about it, stay silent about it.

Today is unusual for me because I actually gave a shit. I couldn't vote because I registered last year but am not allowed to vote just yet. So I woke up early on a Sunday morning to keep an eye out on proceedings. Was rather touched at the turn out at voting centres, and how enthusiastic and passionate everyone was.

Had an afternoon nap because I'm currently on my anti-anxiety medication which cause a bit of drowsiness, wake up just in time to keep an eye on the vote count. Furiously refreshing browser. Willing results to come in faster.

And this happens. Tearing up at the news. Tearing up at the collective disappointment and sadness on Facebook. At the Facebook black-out, everyone changing their profile pictures and cover pictures to a funereal black. In mourning.

I can't breathe, I don't understand how it could have looked so promising few hours ago, and then now this. Or rather, I understand, but it's hard to swallow, this very harsh fact of living in Malaysia. They don't play fair, ever.

I'm hoping, hoping, hoping this doesn't mean people give up. I read of people getting dispirited enough to consider migrating away. I understand just why they would feel that way. But... I've fallen in love with this country I've always wanted to leave behind, and I don't think I could do that anymore.

I've always wondered, how my friend Robin, who's a Bruneian, based in Canada, could actually be more passionate than I, over Malaysian politics. The answer is: he fell in love with our country. With the people, the sights, all the good things about it. And our leaders are squandering it away, and keeping our people divided.

With the recent foreigner vote-buying, they've gone and mucked things up even further. I've never seen this country in such a state of paranoia and xenophobia. I hear the term "bangla" being flung around in such resentful, bitter tones. I see videos of these poor foreigners - victims themselves - being harassed and terrorised, just because our government made use of them for this election. It breaks my heart, for these poor people, for our country, our wonderful country, our friendly nation reduced to this.

Was talking to an Aussie friend, Owen, who's been keeping up with the news. He was confused, and astounded; he said it sounded like we were in some sort of communist country, all these dirty tactics, and money being flung around for votes. The funny thing is, it never felt that way, for the longest time, because we just got so used, so desensitised towards our leaders' bullshit.

Maybe this is just the beginning. A baby step towards change. Scales falling from eyes, and all that. Miracles don't happen quite so easily, maybe this just means that more seeds of change have been sown.

Don't lose heart, just yet. There will be a time, yet, for things to improve. Today was just the first step in the right direction.

Saw this as I was about to click "Publish":

"A few observations, particularly in light of the numerous people who have proclaimed the "failure" and "death" of democracy in Malaysia: 

1) 80% of registered voters turned up to vote. That's a higher voter turnout than vibrant democracies like the US (58%), Japan (60%) and France (72%). Surely this statistic alone is something to be proud of. If democracy is contingent upon a populace eager to participate in the formation of its government, then the idea of democracy in Malaysia is truly flourishing. Surely the strength of democracy cannot be simply gauged by electoral results being in favor of the party/coalition/candidate of your choice.

2) Even IF the measure of democracy in Malaysia can only be measured by the success of the Opposition party, let's consider the stats. At the time of writing, I'm seeing a 112-58 BN-Pakatan split (based on MalaysiaKini). That's a total of 170 seats confirmed with 52 seats still left to report. That means Pakatan is just 24 seats short of equaling its 2008 performance with a potential upside of 28 seats. To top that off, most seats within traditional BN strongholds are already declared. To put that in perspective, Pakatan has the opportunity (assuming it sweeps the remaining 52 seats) to improve upon its 2008 performance by a grand 34%. Speak to any political strategist in the democratic world and offer him/her a 34% improvement in 4 years. They would cut both their ears off (the reference is entirely intentional) for such an uptick. 

Sweeping overnight change within a nation of 28 million is simply unrealistic. If one pauses to consider the numbers, the changes taking place in Malaysia cannot even be described as marginal or incremental -these are significant jumps. They are real and that shouldn't be overlooked in favor of 'winning' outright. 

3) Which brings me to a more sobering but equally important point: electoral math is the most important and sadly overlooked issue in most elections. Consider the following: Sabah, Sarawak and Johor collectively account for 96 parliamentary seats. That's 86% of the way to the 112 seats any coalition requires to form a majority government. The number of parliamentary seats conceded by BN in those 3 states during the 2008 elections? 3. Even the most fool-hardy Pakatan supporter must concede that the incumbency enjoyed by Barisan in those 3 states is a hefty one. And still, in spite of such overwhelming odds, Pakatan managed to pick up a commendable 14 seats in these 3 states this year (with several other constituencies yet to declare). There is greater focus on the welfare of our brothers and sisters in East Malaysia -long ignored by the more affluent Peninsula Malaysians.

It's OK for people to be disappointed in the outcome of the elections. It is understandable that evidence strongly suggesting electoral fraud cause massive outrage. Perhaps it is even fair that people feel cheated. I too, deplore the despicable acts of duplicity that have been the constant backdrop of this election. The rakyat is unhappy with the direction that the country is headed towards and want passionately for change to take place. But how has democracy died tonight? Surely the fact that we can this much is the very fact that demonstrates that democracy is well and alive in Malaysia. And for that, EVERYONE who turned up today at polling stations around the country deserves a heartfelt 'Thank You' for being brave enough to act upon the strength of their beliefs."

I guess that says it all. Stay positive, fellow Malaysians. It's not over yet. The battle might have been lost, but the war isn't over. Not by far.

Don't give up on our beautiful country, not just yet.

Moment

Looking back on past relationships does make you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

It's easy to resent or even hate the person that broke your heart, or ended things with you on bad terms with. It's so easy to forget the qualities that made you fall in love in the first place. It's so easy to overlook the fact that for the time the both of you were together, there were many moments when he or she was responsible for injecting some happiness and laughter into your life.

I think I've been mixing up a lot of my own personal issues with my relationships with men. If I could turn back time, there are a lot of things I wouldn't say or do, and maybe it really did seem like I was a manipulative, petty, spiteful person back then. I probably was... but I did do as best as I was capable of at the time.

I'm pretty sure I did love with all my heart, maybe I was just a little fuck-up then without the ability to do so in a way that was healthy. I know I definitely never really managed to sustain any normalcy in a relationship. Right now, where I am now, I see what I could have did better, but I honestly do not think that I would've been able to see it then, even if it was blatantly pointed out to me.

I'm still not very sure I can handle one of those, so I'm staying out of them for awhile, instead of mucking up another one. I guess for the longest time, I was only good at screwing these things up, so I'm now a little apprehensive of doing that that, again.

I've been meaning to post a little on this for awhile, but never quite got around to it. It's two hours into the birthday of someone who used to be a very significant part of my life, a long time ago, so I thought this was apt.

Anyway, if you're reading this, although I sort of hope you don't... happy birthday, hun. It seems a life-time ago. We really were just kids then, and we thought we were so grown-up already. Turns out we didn't know a thing about life, or love haha. I don't think anyone truly will, but at least most of us get a little better with time...

I hope life treats you gently, I hope you'll continue achieving all the big dreams you've been working so hard towards attaining, I hope that your life is one filled with love, happiness and peace.

I'll be sending out positive thoughts to you.

The Embarrassing "Comments Replied" Post

As much as it shames me to have to publish a post on this... um yeah guys, so I've neglected to reply most of the comments here since March. I've since then rectified it, up to the post on the 8th of March, so if you were hoping for some sort of interaction... um... better late than never, I guess? :D

I know it's not an obligation but I've always enjoyed feedback here, and quite liked the few comments I got, especially those from the annoying people I call my friends but can't really stay in contact much due to distance. Lately, this blog has been rather neglected though, especially since I got on Instagram (follow me if you've an account - I update that one wayyyyyyyyy more often), and I would just post stuff when I felt like it... and then forget about it otherwise.

Um yeah. So uh... I interrupt the stream of depressing pet-loss posts to inform you guys I've replied. Sorry. I felt sort of bad about not responding to them. Heh heh.

And yeah I'm fine... thank you to everyone who messaged me over various platforms regarding Cookie. I've not been able to reply to all but I really, really want you all to know that I am so grateful for the kindness and the empathy and the support shown.

Love you guys.

On Death and Religion

My father has been trying to have this talk regarding my religious beliefs for the past few days. It goes something like this, usually when I'm quietly sobbing:

Mr. Chan: Girl, Cookie has done her duty to you, that is why she was called away early. She is now at peace.

Me: Dad, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in things like that. There is no evidence that what you say is true, anyway.

Mr. Chan: You cannot say that. You HAVE to believe!

Escalated day before yesterday, when we went through all this again, and he went on a mini-tirade on how I had to have a religion. I guess in his own, bumbling way, he was trying to comfort the both of us, based on the only way he knew how to cope with the whole incomprehension of this tragedy.

I appreciate his good intentions, but was briefly angered by what I felt was him imposing a belief system on me that I did not want and did not think that I needed. Ended up gently explaining to him, that whilst I did not have a religion, it did not mean that I do not have a belief system. Mine would be best described as agnostic atheism, but in actuality, is just pretty much what I consider common sense, knowledge, self-awareness, observation, a splash of philosophy... basically an inference anyone with an ounce of intelligence can come to, given the time and the sufficient experience with life as it is.

I call it acceptance. Acceptance that it is all part of life. Things happen. Shit happens. Life goes on.

There's probably a proper term for it, and it is the basis of certain religions, for example, Buddhism (which is more a set of doctrines but I'll treat as a religion as it is widely considered so), but for me, it's just something that puts me at peace with things. I'm not very good at it yet, but it does help, when I can remember to live by that simple adjustment in perspective.

I guess I've spent so many years questioning so many things, that in the end, the simplest and most obvious conclusion drawn was that I didn't need the answers to everything, didn't need them clearly defined, didn't need to know everything. All I truly need, is to find something that works for me, something easier, and happier to follow, with the general rule being that I go by the things that just feel right to me, instead of prescribing to things with known labels and clearly delineated constraints.

And this is why, I don't need a religion to deal with death. Stripped of all the extraneous rituals and parables, the message remains the same, in most accepted religions: love and acceptance. I try every single day to inculcate both into my life, so I guess I'm good, even if I'm a godless heathen, who will never enjoy the pleasure of an after-life.

It's all OK. I'm good. I think I will slowly get better, panic attacks or not. Don't get me wrong though, I have nothing against those who choose to have a faith. All the power to them, and to an extent, I do admire them for being able to believe, something I've never been able to bring myself to. Takes more commitment and trust that I'm capable of, probably.

As for the outcome of my talk with the father... Well, he went silent for a very long moment, after I explained my general view on these things. When he spoke again, I could almost hear the palpable relief in his voice. He said, "Oh. Well. If you can view it that way... yes, I think you are alright."

And that was that.

Conscious

Got ill, quite unsurprisingly. I always seem to fall sick in times of stress. My hormones are a mess right now, on top of everything else.

I seem to get all these panic attacks when I get sick, more often than I do usually. It's illogical, it's unreasonable. I wake up disoriented with a pounding heart, unable to shake of the sensation of sheer terror, almost blind to the real world around me, and it takes me many long moments of screaming internally before the logical mind kicks in.

Today has been mostly of dozing off, jerking awake... I'm not even sure if this is really my grief manifesting subconsciously but I keep seeing Cookie as she must have been in her last moments, dying, bloody... and her corpse as it is right now, rotting in my garden.

All this horror is making me nauseous.

Little Crazy

He said, "Maybe you should get a new pup."

I ignore the advice. I'm obviously not ready to move on to that yet, I know that I'll be grappling with grief for awhile.

He continues, "And maybe get something a little less crazy."

"Eh. What crazy?" I turn and look at him, slightly perplexed at the adjective. She was annoying, she was demanding, but I didn't really think she was all that deranged.

"Your dog, she was crazy. She played with her kibble. She had to scatter them all over the floor before eating them. That dog was definitely mental."

And I know I'm OK, or at least on the way to being so, when I start chuckling at the memory of that, and we both start laughing at her little oddities and eccentricities...

Yes, it's good, being able to cherish her memory, like I've always been doing even when she was alive, all the time, talk talk talk about her, laughing, smiling, heart full of this crazy fuzzy love for my crazy fuzzy doggie.

The thought of her doesn't wound me anymore today, and that's the best thing that has happened, after the past few days of what seemed like endless grief.