Love is Loneliness

"No, I don't want to be with you. Oh, I need to explain myself? Alright. It's because you disgust me, and you repulse me, and I'm sick of you, and I'm tired of all this."

You know what, love?

Frankly, I feel the same way about me too.

Rub at that healing wound itching fiercely tasting that bile at the back of your throat feel the tears dry sticky on your cheek listening to his anger resounding in your head mixing with your hurt and revulsion and then...

There's nothing else you can think of.

So you don't think.

You gratefully remember the Xanax your mother made you bring along this trip, and a bitter smile painfully creeps across your face at the irony of that.

There's nothing left to do but sleep.

I'll sleep, and tomorrow, I'll decide what to do with my broken heart, over a plate of chilli mussels, and maybe I'll even have a lobster.

I won't let you fuck up my holiday like you've fucked up all those lonely Saturday nights.

See how far we've progressed, from the night you traced "I love you" over and over on my bare back, in foolish, desperate longing, whilst I pretended to sleep and tried to ignore you for fear of feeling anything for you.

Now I don't even know what I think about you anymore, you've become someone ugly and cruel... and yet I refuse to blame you, although I understand that I won't ever forgive you either.

Because, you are nothing but a man, and I am nothing but a fucked up creature with baggage, and I knew, better than anyone else, how this would end for us, if I made that silly little mistake of listening to my heart.

I should have been firm when I told you to stay away.

It's Warm in Winter Here

I stumbled on your new blog today, with your old posts in the process of moving from your old domain to the one I found.

Reread a few posts I'd already read before, years ago.

Melancholy's contagious I guess. You were so angry, so defiant, so alone. Maybe that was what made me such an eager voyeur for those glimpses of your life you posted online.

I guess, I saw too many parallels between our lives.

And so, maybe I won't be reading you anymore.

I do, however, hope that you're happy now, whichever continent you happen to have relocated yourself on. You, more than anyone else, deserve so much.

---

Am sitting here, in the living room of the house both my sisters are renting here in Perth. Yes, I'm in the land down under at the moment, and would have posted about it sooner, if not for the fact my memory card got corrupted and half the pictures I took disappeared. I've been moping over that ever since, but I'll probably do a post soon, with what didn't mysteriously disappear from my SD card.

The living room has a big-ass old-school heater. Which provides plenty of heat but looks like an accident ready to happen, especially with a person as klutzy as me around. Two hours ago, the heat from it was very welcome, but right now it's become oppressively warm. I am considering sleeping in the (cold) bedroom tonight, but for now, slumber's a concept that will only become a reality a few hours from now, considering I just woke up from a two-hour nap, to recuperate from the exhaustion of traipsing 'round the city today, on top of attending my sister's friend's birthday party AND a night out indulging in hedonistic pleasures, till dawn.

Broke my substance celibacy last night. It's been almost exactly a year since the last time I touched anything illegal. The pills here feel mild, albeit in a pleasurably euphoric way. Was weaned on our dirty Malaysian pills, full of glass and poison and meth, so felt a little let down by rather safe high afforded by the Ecstasy here. No disorienting high and hallucinations so bad there's nothing else to do but sit down somewhere until it passes, only true artificial happiness in a little white pill.

Figured I was alright until I accepted someone's offer of a puff from a joint rolled from hydroponically-grown weed (I usually say no to greens, because I don't like the stuff), and was still feeling pretty fine and chatting merrily with Mr. Stoom (an ex course-mate who'll remained named thus on this blog), when things suddenly got a little weird. Everything suddenly became a little brighter, a little clearer, and then he started melting like wet paint, his features flowing and bleeding slowly to the right. Almost as if someone turned on Photoshop and clicked on saturate, brighten, and then used the liquify tool on everything.

Took an hour before everything stopped looking cartoon-brilliant, and no longer warped and bubbled and kept morphing into strange caricatures of themselves.

Reached home at dawn, not because I was fucked up or anything (sobered up fairly quickly in the cold night air), but because everyone were all too lost in their happy vibes to send me home, and I'm a bit of a miser here when it comes to the phenomenally exorbitant cab fares here.

There was no depressingly fucked up comedown, but did experience a vaguely palpable exhaustion that only manifested in full force in the evening.

---

Met a nice Thai guy last night, wouldn't say he was cute, but he was pretty pleasant-looking, with nice enough shoulders. He was very, very shy, and very sweet. I think he liked me, but found myself feeling rather turned off when he spoke to me and I realised that his command of English, or lack thereof, meant that meaningful conversation would be fairly impossible.

I like my men to be a little bit verbose.

Made me miss the turtle even more than I thought I would, made me miss the hours of conversation punctuated by laughter, but my phone died on me (my HTC Touch Diamond consumes battery something mad), so I couldn't make any calls to him to manja a bit. When I got back home, found out he'd sent a few worried texts from him at 1.30am and a little past three, but then he's been more or less MIA ever since then, and I won't pretend to understand what the fuck's that about.

If this is a preview of what distance will do to us, then... I guess I can't have too much faith.

---

There's nothing unpleasant about Perth's mild winter, except for the fact I still hate the cold concrete floors and the freezing toilet seat, but aside from that the weather's quite a welcome change after Kuching's heat and humidity. So far, pretty much enjoying myself here, even if Perth's just a rather quiet little city. I like the sense of peace here. I've not been at peace for a long, long time, in anywhere. Might consider settling here, for awhile, before I find somewhere new to lose myself in.

I'm rambling now, I guess, so I'll end this post until I'm in the right frame of mind to write something more structured.

Will probably be heading to Fremantle tomorrow for the market there, although what I really want to check out is the flea market at Canning Vale. Either way, I'm quite excited, and if we go to Fremantle, I'm wondering if I should blow a little money on a nice seafood meal - I've been suffering culture shock at the cost of the food here, but I really feel like splurging a little on something nice to eat...

I'll post something more coherent tomorrow... Till then, if anyone I know who needs to contact me, please leave a comment here, email me, or message me on Facebook and I'll give you my Optus number.

Oh, and I got back my smelly pillow. The skinny hid it from me whilst I was out last night, and made me pander to her the entire day before consenting to return it to me a few hours ago. I think that was in retaliation of me sneaking up on her to smother her with it, a day or two ago. Haha.

Kinda serves me right, I know... =P

CRISIS

SOMEBODY TOOK MY SMELLLLLY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO SLEEP LIKE THIS OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*sobs hysterically*

It's just a very little pillow, why would anyone want to steal itttttttttttttt...

How do I go sleep now?

*curls up miserably and attempts to brave the night without pillow*

A Little Matter to Ponder Upon

Methinks Japanese rape porn gotta be the most realistic ones out there... Some of the girls really do cry fucking realistically too, pardon the pun. And they resist the rape in more probable ways. and are ravished in less impossible situations.

Why is it when angmohs do one it mostly comes across as either laughably lame, or rather over the top with the violence? WHAT is with all the office-sexual-harassment scenarios? I know that sort of shit happens, but WHY is that such a recurrent theme it's become rather yawn-inducing?

"Call me daddy!" has got to be the LAST thing any would-be rapist would call out enthusiastically between pelvic thrusts, or maybe I don't know better, but honestly? If I were being raped and that gem of a phrase was used, I'd die from laughing first. That sounds like a fucking comedy gone wrong, seriously.

And no, this post isn't a direct result of me trawling the 'Net for pr0n. Was just doing a little research to satisfy a very scientific curiosity, see? And got plenty of rather intriguing answers.

Now let me adjourn to the silence of my bed-chamber to further ponder what my findings have yielded. =P

Bleak

I'm frightened.

And somehow so very alone, right here, maybe out of choice, or more likely, maybe for lack of choice in this matter.

Please hold me for awhile, until I may be a little more braver to venture out alone, unaided by the strength of your conviction.

Forgive me for cryptic messages and double entendres. You know that I was never one to freely speak my mind regarding such matters.

All you need to know, for now, is how terrified I am.

Yet Another Cupcake Post

Promised Phyl and a whole bunch of people (Michi, Jo-Lynn, Theresa, Miss Hedonistics) cupcakes, so yesterday, I decided to bake up another batch of choc brownie cuppies (my favourite recipe!), sans the walnuts, however, because there seems to be a shortage of that at all baking-supply stores.

But got a bit lazy with the decorations, so just whipped up some chocolate ganache (three parts melted cooking chocolate + two parts fresh cream) and slapped it onto the cupcakes, and then finished it off with a liberal sprinkle of hundreds and thousands.

Still quite pretty, no?


Now for the more tedious bit - delivering the cuppies or waiting for them to be collected. Ah well, worth the trouble either way. It's always nice to see the smiles on people's faces when presented with one of these babies.

=)

It's All Relative

This conversation actually did happen, after a family dinner with my uncle, aunt, and grandparents:

Me: Gran says I look very skinny now.
Mr. Chan: Gran says I look very fat now.
Me: Maybe it's because I sat next to you. Makes me look thinner than I really am.
Mr. Chan: Maybe it's because I sat next to you. Makes me look fat.
Me: .......
Mrs. Chan: Why are you both so sarcastic! I really have no comment... *facepalms*

-_______-"